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>>16625
I have little interest in reading the entire story, but I believe that what I read was pretty bad. I just have a few points that I think I should make.
>A November breeze swept over Henry and he instinctively held a paper cup full of warm coffee just a bit closer to his chest.
I believe that this sentence would be more effective if the order was reversed. What I mean is that you should mention first that he held the coffee closer to his chest and then mention the November breeze.
Also in this instance, it is better to say that he moved the coffee cup or something, rather than to say that he held the coffee cup.
>He had been standing in line for nearly twelve hours along with millions of other people waiting for their messages.
Now, at this point, the reader obviously doesn't know what the fuck you're talking about. That's fine, but I think that talking about the messages here is a mistake. I see that the MC soon after has a conversation with a girl, and she mentions the messages. So why not let that part introduce the reader to the messages?
In fact, you don't even need to mention that he had been waiting in line. Show, don't tell.
And how does there exist a line of millions of people, anyway? That just doesn't even make sense.
>Morning broke slowly, and he watched beams of piercing morning light shine down the street and reflect brightly off of store windows.
I think this sentence is redundant and unnecessary. In fact, with a few minor alterations, this sentence could have been the first one. The first two sentences were not necessary at all.
What is the timeline by the end of the first paragraph? It is:
>breeze sweeps over MC and he adjusts his coffee cup
>morning breaks and MC watches light reflect off store windows
So, what, did morning break immediately after he adjusted his coffee cup? Had morning already broken by the time he adjusted his coffee cup, and you are only now informing the reader of this? Or did it occur after he adjusted the coffee cup, but also after some time had passed? Did they happen at the same time? You have to inform the reader of these things, otherwise your timeline will be a jumbled and ambiguous mess.
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