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I feel disconnected from the real world, and I have felt that way for a long time. It got worse after I dropped out of school due to bullying, at least then I could pretend that I was doing something for myself by following the rules and hoping that it would pay off. Now I don't really do anything, I don't have anyone, and I mostly just spend my days rotting in bed. All I do is think. My brain is pretty much the only part of me that still feels like it is mine, so I live in it. Sometimes I stay the entire day in bed, without eating or drinking anything. Just thinking, imagining, fantasizing. I feel like a brain stuck inside a rotting corpse. But my brain also is no longer the way it used to be. I feel like I'm worthless now. I used to be very smart, but now I just feel like I'm a retarded piece of trash. I can't even think right anymore.
Today I had an amazing dream in which the man I love let me fall asleep in his arms. It felt more real than whatever the hell is happening now that I'm awake.
Is anyone else experiencing this? This disconnection from what people call reality? I feel like I've lost my mind. I don't really know what's real or not anymore. Is this really all there is? Is this what I'm living for? It doesn't feel right.
Sometimes I think that the people around me are not real. They're puppets. They've been put here to stop me from escaping this world. I've been put here so whoever is in control of this place can study my reactions to whatever they choose to put in my path, like I'm a lab rat. I've considered killing myself just to escape this. I feel like I'm being watched. I don't feel like this is real. I'm scared. There's a lot of noise outside and it makes my head hurt.
I know this is just a stupid wall of text, a dumb blogpost, a pointless word soup that makes no fucking sense whatsoever, but like I said, I'm retarded now. I can't write coherently anymore, which is a pity, since I used to want to be a writer. I really don't know what happened to me.