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I am going insane and I don't know how to stop it. Eeyore 16/04/10(Sun)23:20 No. 4846 ID: f1d3df [Reply]
4846

File 146032321787.jpg - (96.35KB , 945x300 , j21jq.jpg )

I am tired.
Every day is the same. Every night is the same. It's midnight now and I have the same thought in my mind I've had every single night for years: I wish I don't wake up tomorrow.
There's nothing new I can tell you, nothing you do not know. I am not a victim of any major tragedy, and yet I am living like a ghost. I am still young but I have branded myself a failure. My future is bleak and boring; it is not going to get any better. I will stay like this all my life - sad, lonely and miserable. I try to chase after the past, but it's too late. I stay away from everything that has the potential to let me down. I cannot stay away from myself. I can see myself crack and break in front of my eyes.

When there is no one left to blame from this world, my mind turns to itself. I am seeing things. Hearing things. There is definitely something besides me in my room. It tries to single me out, make me feel like I don't belong. I cannot speak to people sometimes. I cannot even speak to myself. I can't tell myself that it's all in my head anymore. I really hope someone understands what I am trying to say.

This lonely and disappointing life has left me vulnerable to it. It now draws me out further. I cannot stop it. Please help me. I don't know what to do.


4 posts omitted. Click Reply to view.
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Eeyore 16/04/14(Thu)01:38 No. 4857 ID: ae396c

Consider why you feel nervousness.

Nobody is better than anyone else - thinking otherwise is just subjective judging. You find a teacher to learn from them, and you give them an opportunity to learn from you! And if something doesn't work for you for whatever reason, there's no shame in stopping.


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Alice, we're all mad here... The Lone Wolf 16/11/05(Sat)01:47 No. 5158 ID: 55428d

Embrace it, if you choose to view it negatively it will become a burden...choose to see it as a journey. Accept this open doorway into a world most people don't even know exists. But beware, it gets cold the further down the rabbit hole you go.


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Welcome to Hell The+Lone+Wolf 16/11/05(Sat)01:52 No. 5159 ID: 55428d
5159

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Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So the way he sees it, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all. So don't worry, okay? Okay?




Eeyore 16/05/21(Sat)12:43 No. 4907 ID: 0478a4 [Reply]
4907

File 146382740940.jpg - (61.20KB , 492x394 , 1452131940661.jpg )

I just thought I'd share a story I haven't really cared to talk about, but for some reason I have an impulse to let it out now.

I'm a postal worker and there was this girl at a postal outlet about my age. I'd see her there a few times a week as I drop stuff off. One day I dropped some stuff off and exchanged a few words with her, and a customer at the counter stared at us and said that she was a matchmaker and that we were perfect for each other. We both sort of laughed it off and we both knew it. It wasn't awkward for us at all days after. She was shy and lowered her head slightly as she chuckled at the comment but I knew how right the lady was.

If I was straight, she would have been my soulmate. Her name was Sam.

That lady was like that angel that comes by once in everyone's life and bestows you with some wisdom by which you should follow, or as a "sign" for better fortune, and mine happened to be a mistake.

There are truly some days I wish I was straight. We continued our routines, seeing her there, and at some point she said she was quitting in a few months, and I was about to be re-assigned to a new route. I never saw her again. :(

I'm really sorry, God, for being gay. She was the one for me. We totally clicked in a way that I hadn't with any girl before. Although she was absolutely beautiful, I just wasn't sexually attracted to her and I am so sorry.


6 posts omitted. Click Reply to view.
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Eeyore 16/06/17(Fri)08:09 No. 4944 ID: 759123
4944

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>>4907
shit man, We've all passed by people who would be perfect for us, but since they're just a random person, it's impossible.

Just the other day I think I met someone like this.I love to listen to music while the sun sets. I stopped fishing just to appreciate the sunset, and some random chick my age came up, sat behind a tree just behind me, and did the same. I've been doing this for years, so I guess this reminded me that there are others out there like me. In a world where it seems that everyone is connected with others, it was bitter sweet that I was reminded that people are alone like me.


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The Lone Wolf 16/11/05(Sat)01:35 No. 5156 ID: 55428d

The world is an evil place that consumes people whole. Humans running around in bars...on the internet, looking for something, someone. Fulfillment, acceptance or love...misguided attempts to form a bond or a connection. Churches are filled to the pews with the mentally ill...hoping for unconditional love, despite all of their imperfections...these cannibals for Christ, feasting on the body of their Savior...drunk off the blood of His sacrifice...cartoons and dating sites fool of misguided souls vying to fill that void inside themselves, varnishing, lying, basking in the beauty of anonymity...selling themselves with deceptive bios and old photos, a sad masquerade of this new day and age. That being said and sexuality aside, you might have missed out on a lifelong friendship.


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The Lone Wolf 16/11/05(Sat)01:39 No. 5157 ID: 55428d

cartoons=chatrooms
varnishing=basking

Duck you, auto-correct




Eeyore 16/10/28(Fri)04:42 No. 5130 ID: 132ea3 [Reply]
5130

File 147762254667.jpg - (83.03KB , 1019x768 , shoot me.jpg )

Stream of consciousness
Performed as I drove home from work
Transcribed as I wait for my tom kha gai
This rain is nice
Maybe ill get thai food on the way home
Its weird how some places make you order the duck 24 hours in advance.
I remember the first time I had duck was in San Francisco. I don't know how old I was.
My dad used to go there for a annual forestry industry meeting until they moved it because it always got protested every year.
They would always get us kids the same babysitter. I barely rememebr the first time they used her but I do remember that three years later I didn't like her as much because I thought she was treating me "like a little kid".
Funny to think about now because I was maybe 12(?) then.
She did take us to a place that had a pinball machine, I remember that.
I guess I had a thing for pinball even as far back as that. I can't remember when I first knew I liked it.
I miss Shortys in Seattle that place was dope good drinks and tons of tables.
Chris and I always had such a great time when we went to Seattle. His friends were crazy and interesting and we both likes the city.
(Uh oh)
Message too long. Click here to view the full text.


1 post and 1 image omitted. Click Reply to view.
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Eeyore 16/10/30(Sun)04:47 No. 5135 ID: 73dd70

>>5133
A procession of humanity, strikingly simian
Saunters by, I can't explain
Why it's troubling to see them so.


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Eeyore 16/10/30(Sun)06:21 No. 5136 ID: 75c683
5136

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>>5135

A cigarette, a memory,
All connections to the permanent are burning.
The pedestal gets in the way
And cannot withstand our honest scrutiny.

Who are we?


>>
Eeyore 16/10/30(Sun)19:57 No. 5138 ID: 5222e3

midsentence i threw the phone;
smashed my anger on the table.
she doesn't want to talk anyomre.
good night; go to bed; it's alright




Despair TrueDespair 16/07/17(Sun)13:59 No. 4970 ID: a3595d [Reply]
4970

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Am I the only one who's just in a constant state of despair? I always feel so empty inside, and it's been this way for years. I enjoy almost nothing, and what I do enjoy is what most people would call "sick and twisted". Things like extremely violent thoughts, anything that could hurt me or someone else pretty much. I can't help it, no matter how much I try to think different, try to be positive or happy, I just go straight back to these violent and depressing thoughts. Maybe it's because I know my life isn't going anywhere, and I know I'm not going to make it far at all. Oh well, nothing to do but embrace it, right?


1 post omitted. Click Reply to view.
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Eeyore 16/07/30(Sat)00:20 No. 4979 ID: 9392a4

>>4970
same. let's be friends


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TrueDespair 16/08/03(Wed)09:41 No. 4984 ID: a3595d

>>4979

Thank you for your words. I somehow feel slightly better. At least, not quite as miserable as before. And also I've never had friends before, don't know what that's even like, heheh.


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candibalism 16/10/29(Sat)18:07 No. 5132 ID: 5785d5

Hhhhh , twisted things; what , for example ?




Eeyore 16/01/19(Tue)02:35 No. 4724 ID: 20134a [Reply]
4724

File 145316732074.png - (265.17KB , 500x805 , 1348196891226.png )

Mental illnes thread
i was diagnosed with MDD, doctor prescripted Seronil and going to a group therapy. So long, i'm one week on this drug and only thing i want to do is sleeping or killing myself.


17 posts and 4 images omitted. Click Reply to view.
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Eeyore 16/04/26(Tue)11:48 No. 4881 ID: 6e6299

>>4880
I JELLY YOU IF I HAD SUCH MENTAL ILLNESS I'D HAVE A GOOD EXCUSE FOR BEING LIKE THIS


>>
Eeyore 16/04/26(Tue)22:54 No. 4882 ID: c0579a

GID and MDD
with opiate addiction
been clean for almost a whole year but relapsed a week ago
now I am going through withdrawals the second time around

got fired from my job
and therapist essentially quit because me continually lying
also I broke down in class in front of everyone yesterday

but itd one of those things where it becomes too much but you are in almost shock because of how quickly everything can fall apart. its almost funny how everything can worse when you think you are already at the bottom.

Ive been on 13 different meds and 2 antipsychotics/mood stabilizer last year and they do exactly nothing


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Eeyore 16/10/22(Sat)15:56 No. 5122 ID: cbe71d

I got a childhood diagnosis as PDD-NOS but I believe that AvPD would be a more fitting diagnosis for today even though I'm not officially diagnosed as such.




Eeyore 16/10/17(Mon)01:18 No. 5115 ID: 0478a4 [Reply]
5115

File 147665991468.png - (1.27KB , 60x60 , jiojioj.png )

On the surface, everything looks normal to anyone who can live one day in this world and go to sleep thinking that everything was fine because there were no disputes or arguments, because they saw smiles, and because it was like every other day they had experienced before. It’s an illusion so powerful that it has become a reality for them, for they have sacrificed their own will for the appearance of being normal, and, consequently, the acceptance of others. A survival tactic that has one living this way doesn’t become a problem on others until they abuse the very reason that language was created in the first place. Examining the simplest sentences or clauses English can offer, such as “I am.” or “This is good.” or, in more social and contemporarily relatable terms, “Oh my god, Jessica said that Jenny slept with David.”, you can see that language was created to affirm truths among a group by the use of words, such as “are”, “is”, or “said”, that attribute qualities or occurrences to entities that exist, have existed, or will exist. What does it mean to abuse a language? In the case of a society that will do anything to be accepted, even by distorting their perception of reality to one that believes everything is normal, to abuse a language is to lie by intentionally distorting truth to gain public favour and paint a false image of how you want others to see you. One that conducts such abuse is not only inadequate for language, but also for the society that keeps them afloat. Can one blame anyone who is not even aware that they themselves are lying? If an example is necessary, look no further than the social façades people use as appearances and media of commonality. It is so common to lie and say that their front is actually them that most people believe another’s vocal heave to cliché humour to be a genuine laugh, despite exhibiting that same sound effect themselves to others. When you have a vast group of people who eat precisely at noon rather than when they feel hungry, by using the word “society”, you’re really referring to a group of people who have completely lost any sense of self, and who have to have it decided for them. It is no surprise then why an obnoxious, vocally boisterous woman’s colleagues ask her for the truth of what happened in a workplace dispute involving her as though they are expecting the unexaggerated, unembellished truth that doesn’t necessarily paint her in a good colour. It’s fitting because these are the same people who excuse her deceit of faking a longterm injury to fruit from the corporate financial benefits of being “injured” for a good personality. The only people who can excuse such behaviour are the ones who are equally as guilty for other offences against truth; that is to say, all active members of society. Especially with all the "smiles" on faces, it’s ironic that they would be the last to think that they may be the cause of all human misery on Message too long. Click here to view the full text.




Eeyore 16/06/30(Thu)08:40 No. 4952 ID: 759123 [Reply]
4952

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Who here has ever done self harm? Why did you do it?

I was in an extremely bad place in my life. Not quiet suicidal, but close to it. I don't even understand to this day to be honest. I went through much, and I guess I wanted those negative experiences to be physically felt instead of just crying. I've only done it twice, and the latest one nearly killed me.


19 posts and 4 images omitted. Click Reply to view.
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Eeyore 16/10/05(Wed)15:33 No. 5099 ID: 858dc5

when ever I get a bug bite or a blemish I get a knife and try to cut it off. When I start to bleed I squeeze out more. I like to watch the blood pool up, I like the pressure of the knife on my skin, I like removing wrongs on my body. I never do it over large areas.


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Eeyore 16/10/08(Sat)18:51 No. 5104 ID: 1fdc02
5104

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I cut my leg until it is completely covered. From my ankle to my hip. Until the entire lower side of my body stings really bad. Then i put rubbing alcohol on it or take an extremely hot shower. Its a way for me to dissociate from my negative internal screaming. I used to cover my arm too, but I stopped because people don't need to see that shit.


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Eeyore 16/10/11(Tue)09:06 No. 5107 ID: d78ba2
5107

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I did it for a brief stint. It was mostly because I was suicidal and trying to find ways to get my self-loathing out without killing myself, because people want me alive for the time being. Now that I've recovered somewhat, I mostly just cut myself for sexual purposes.




Eeyore 16/10/08(Sat)02:13 No. 5100 ID: 1fdc02 [Reply]
5100

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My sexual up bringing was not ideal. It was very confusing. There was not a day where I couldn’t hear porn basting from the master bedroom. Some of my first childhood memories are of standing in my parents bedroom doorway seeing gay porn on the CRT television. While she lays there, openly masturbating, even with knowledge of her youngest daughter standing in the doorway, confused. I saw it more as degrading than pleasurable for the people involved, including her.
Was she like this before my sister and I were born?
My moms behaviors made my dad very angry. He took it out on the animals, and sometimes me and my sister. He yelled a lot and lost his temper over little things. You could tell he was stressed the fuck out. For some reason, they tried to make it work for at least 14 years. When my mom came to my room and told me that dad was leaving, I just said “okay” and went to bed. I never cried about it.


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Amethyst Eeyore 16/10/08(Sat)02:47 No. 5101 ID: a004ae
5101

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How did it impact your current sexual well being?

idk I just grew up with no real sexual experience aside from people talking about it and porn on tv.

25 and still a virgin hue


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Eeyore 16/10/08(Sat)18:37 No. 5103 ID: 1fdc02

>>5101
I am not a virgin. I lost it when i was 15. I did not want to, but I gave into the pressure. I still regret it. I can't open up sexually. Its not pleasurable for me, and I dont feel okay touching other people in sexual ways. I've been told I'm boring, and I dont act sexy enough. I always feel like I did something wrong and disgusting afterwards. Seeing porn grosses me out and still confuses me.
I've grown up with an extremely negative mindset with thoughts of suicide starting at an elementary school age, and conditioned by self hate. I've also had extreme attachment issues. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and severe depression and anxiety.
Fucked up people have fucked up children, I guess.




Eeyore 15/12/18(Fri)01:40 No. 4675 ID: 731392 [Reply]
4675

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I think im an unattachable soul. I never had ever felt true love with a female not even once in my life. Its fucking pathetic. I just continue to drown and repress my thoughts with drugs but when i come down all i could do is cry inside and reflect on how much of a fuckin failure that i am when it comes to women. How did i turnout to be such a fucking dial tone...as a kid i was intensely hyper, so why am i so low on confidence as an adult? I remember how i use to make friends every day,now i can barely even hold conversations with old friends i use to go to school with. What fucking happened?


10 posts and 3 images omitted. Click Reply to view.
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Eeyore 16/09/12(Mon)10:30 No. 5061 ID: 4c4042
5061

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>>5060
OP's a fag?!


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Eeyore 16/09/30(Fri)06:32 No. 5082 ID: 4e2f43

OP i'm tired so the info in my post is messy, but it covers pretty much all you mentioned. To me it's wise, but it might just as well sound stupid, i don't know, it's late. Enjoy.

Just accept yourself for now. The right girl will come, in the mean time fuck relationships and just have fun. If a girl gets clingy the next day, just be brutally honest: "I don't want to be in a relationship.I like you, and i respect you: that's why i don't want to deceive you by faking exaggerated feelings for you. Which is really just another way of saying commitment freaks me out, so please don't push it"

As for the rest, this is my advice for anything "psychological" in life: you brought yourself to this for a reason, listen to yourself and get yourself what you needed from this circumstances; Trust that you will change again, but stop fighting the phases of change. Didn't your inner child learn you shouldn't rush growing up?!
Or you now, there's always the easy way out, where you convince yourself you are gay, so that you can give a clear face to your inner demons and have a quick way to reinvent yourself the way you want to be.
(....i personally think all people have the potential to be bi, but then "unlock" their personalities in different ways)

Also, i know it's hard, but try to get the drugs under control. I'm not saying stop, i'm just saying don't do it every-single-day.


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Eeyore 16/10/04(Tue)07:36 No. 5094 ID: 966ec8

You think you're just an unattachable soup, eh? Ever think that maybe you are just a faggot? It's a simple thought, not very complex, so you may have the ability to conjure up your homoerotic fag fantasies. Did I mention that you are a faggot? Fag




Eeyore 16/08/31(Wed)23:27 No. 5021 ID: 5bde38 [Reply]
5021

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I find love and living with others disgusting but I still want it. I feel like I'll live all alone. Do any of you feel like that?


12 posts omitted. Click Reply to view.
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Eeyore 16/09/10(Sat)10:21 No. 5057 ID: 6b7ffd

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IJsXUU-fGbg


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Eeyore 16/09/10(Sat)10:27 No. 5058 ID: 6b7ffd

Made me think a little bit more about how I would like to go.

Who do I want at my deathbed and how can I legally enforce it?


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Eeyore 16/09/26(Mon)09:06 No. 5075 ID: fdfdf0

>>5058
Fuck being on a deathbed, that's one thing I want to avoid. If I would have loved ones surrounding me, sure, I would love that. But I see myself dying of old age all alone. Can't think of a more depressing way to go out.




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